Journal of a Sabbatical

the weekend, the past, and other things

the past

July 7, 1997

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the past a phone message Something about coming home this morning reminded me of a quote from Barbara Hollander's One's Company , which has stuck accusingly in my mind since 1992 so that whenever I have no phone messages I think "Oh, no, it's the unblinking light on the answering machine". "They buy a half-loaf of bread and a can of tuna and let themselves into their apartments at the end of the day calling wistfully for the cat, check the unblinking light on the answering machine and sit down to read through the junk mail , absorbing messages about carpet sales and grocery coupons sent in from the great busy world." - Barbara Hollander I've lived in constant fear of that life ever since. But, hark, here's proof I have a life: stutter tone! I have voice mail! Calloo Callay! A life? Maybe. Martha wants me to come to a meeting at the cat shelter tonight to design a poster to put up in elderly housing for the Purrfect Companions program. I check my empty unblinking calendar for orthopedist appointments, 12-step meetings, family gatherings, walking appointments, babysitting engagements and whatever all else one might imagine would be on one's calendar if one had a life... no appointments. OK. I call Martha back and let her know I'll be there. Next message. Norman is in town because his grandmother died. He wants to get together. This is complex. I've known him a long time. I've never come out to him. At one point we had a sexual relationship - kind of a "same time next year" thing at Passover when he came home to Boston for family gatherings. Lately our schedules haven't meshed so we haven't gotten together. Shoot, I've already left Martha a message saying I'll come to her meeting and design her poster. What should I do? I agonize. Do I really want to see Norman? What if he wants to resume the sexual part of our friendship? What if he freaks out when he finds out I'm lesbian? What if, what if, what if... I think of lots of what ifs. Then I fall back on "what are my priorities right now?" Hmmm, matching elders with cats. Hmmm, then I'd better get cracking on that poster. I call Norman at his mother's house and express my sympathies about his grandmother and regrets that I have a previous engagement tonight at the cat shelter. Maybe another time. It just feels so odd having a past that I feel so disconnected from. He's from the same past that included Nikki. Arrrgghhh! "There are a million stories in the naked city. This is one of them."

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