I sat down to write this 2 hours ago and got distracted by Wilbur jumping in my lap, the mail arriving, and yet another headhunter calling. I took a nap and a shower and turned on All Things Considered. They're interviewing some rightwing guy from the Taxpayers Party who is calling for abolishing most of the government, criminlizing homosexuality, enforcing the death penalty, and making everyone live what he's calling Christian values in every aspect of life. I shouldn't even listen to this stuff. It makes me too angry to think straight. Whatever happened to social responsibility? Whatever happened to "Judge not lest ye be judged"? Whatever happened to "Love thy neighbor as thyself"? The radio has faded into the white noise of the airconditioner and all I can hear is a low sort of blah-blah-blah now so I can turn my attention once again to the ever present actual subject of this journal: work and my relationship to it.
I have a severe case of the blahs. I got home from the cat shelter at 1:00PM and have done nothing since. I can't imagine doing anything. It's hazy, hot, and humid out there today. My airconditioned cocoon seems like the only place to be.
Today's North Andover Citizen has the Jobsmart insert in it. The lead article is on dealing with "the age issue". Along with the usual advice to eliminate the dates of your education, leadoff with skills and accomplishments, and make looking for work your full time job, and getting a haircut, this thing advised coloring your hair and buying a stylish young appearing suit! Darn. I'm gonna hafta ditch my expensive "investment" suits because they're old and I'm old. Unless, of course, I can find a permanent job as a beach bum with health benefits.
Too bad I live in the wrong climate to be a beach bum. Actually, beach bum doesn't really describe it. I'm fascinated with the ocean and all the things that live in and around it: molluscs, shorebirds, those cool-looking worms, eels, starfish... Too bad tidepooling isn't a job description. Hmm, that's exactly what I'll be doing in the Sea of Japan- tidepooling, collecting molluscs and analyzing data about them. I don't need a suit for this.
The thought of sitting in an office in front of a monitor for 8 to 12 hours a day speaking to others only to gather technical information does not fill me with joy and wonder.
Don't get me wrong. I like computers. Always have. I like gathering technical information. I like solving problems. I just don't like to do it in the '90's business environment. Back in the old days of computing when software developers were considered an asset rather than a necessary evil, it was fun. It ain't fun in the '90s. The deadlines are too short. The technical problems are more convoluted. The kinds of software being developed are further and further from the machine itself.
The fact that I just wrote the word machine instead of computer dates me. Obsolesence sneaked up and ambushed me while I was working my tail off. Management is so seductive. You get the illusion of making things happen, get paid well, and lose touch with why you got into the business in the first place. By the time you realize that, the world has changed three times over.
That's not to say that some people don't flourish in management - some of my friends are quite happy and successful as middle managers. And I'm not saying I wasn't successful. I was fabulously successful and accomplished a lot. Then I burned out. I couldn't get up at 6:00AM for a teleconference with Japan at 7:00AM, go thru a quality audit from 9 to 5, and then sit down to do the paperwork til 7:00 anymore. I just couldn't do it. I even missed a couple of early morning flights to Washington because I was just too tired. I felt like I was walking thru quicksand sucking me down at every step.
I remember telling my therapist that what I wanted to do was sleep for a year.
A year and a half later I feel tired again. Still. The thought of a 7:00 AM teleconference terrifies me. The thought of catching a 6:45 flight to Washington gives me the shakes. Something profound inside me needs to change seriously before I can imagine myself in the computer industry again.