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January 19, 1999 |
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in the future |
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Copyright © 1998, Janet I. Egan |
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In the future:
No more "Of course not, darling" in response to "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?" And for the questions that don't come up in the normal course of our day, the special prosecutor will be there to ask them. Possible special prosecutor questions could range from "did you take the last donut?" to "are you now or have you ever been a member of the communist party?" What if the special prosecutor asks you "Is there a God?" instead of "Do you believe in God?" Eek! And what on earth do you say if he asks you "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" Small children who are really bad at learning their times tables will be charged with perjury. "Johnny, what is 6 times 9?" "Forty-two, sistah." Liar, liar, pants on fire! Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. What is the truth? If the radar clocks you at 58 miles per hour and your speedometer says you're going 50, which one is true? Can you put the radar gun under oath? The speedometer? Is it a lie if you say 50 when the cop asks you "how fast were you going ma'am?"? Weathermen and software development managers will have perjured themselves so many times they're in jail for life. Fortunetellers will be forced to tell you you'll actually marry a short, ugly person you know really well under penalty of perjury. Just how big was that fish that got away? Where did you go? Out. What did you do? Nothing. The check is in the mail. The dog ate my homework. Of course, I love my mother-in-law. The devil made me do it. Our other baby-sitter lets us stay up 'til midnight. Who was that masked man? Our other aunt doesn't make us fasten our seat belts. Will you still respect me in the morning? How big was that fish again? All lies and jest, and a man hears what he wants to hear, and disregards the rest... What was that about Truth, Justice, and the American Way? |
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