HomeSeptember 10, 1997
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puddums diedPuddums died of kidney failure over the weekend. Puddums was a cat. At the shelter. Known mainly for unwavering antipathy toward Shanti - a cat - at the shelter... Nobody's moved into Puddums' cage yet. It seemed kinda sad. Shanti didn't seem any happier no longer having Puddums next door, though. yesterday's entryYesterday's entry petered out before I intended it to. The Edmund White interview on Fresh Air brought up stuff for me. It is difficult to watch someone you care about die. Period. Sometimes in their final year on this earth it seemed like Steven and Kathleen were in a race to see who would die first. While two of my brothers were watching their partners die, I was in a struggle to eliminate all feelings from my soul forever. I kept telling myself, this isn't my grief. I'm just a bystander. Just hanging around the edges not doing nearly enough. Yet I would weep uncontrollably at odd times. And even before that, my ability to deal with stress at work diminished and disappeared despite my best efforts. I developed a short fuse. Things hit me hard. Now in retrospect I don't think I did all that bad a job of keeping a stiff upper lip and getting the job done at work. I never told anybody to whom it would have mattered what was on mind in my so-called "personal life". I stuck by the rules of that particular workplace - well pretty much - I did admit to having a personal life and I had a few personal items on my desk although that was not the usual order of things. What am I saying? Where I am going with this? I don't know. Just trying to clarify that the numbness I spoke of in yesterday's entry was after the fact. I didn't manage to numb out enough while things were happening.
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