The First Tetraploid Church Of Christ, Hybridizer
Last updated 10/25/07.
[I've long found evangelical Christianity intruding upon daylily activities
such as the daylily email robin to be both obnoxious and comical. About two
years ago, I thought up this little satire. It isn't anti-religious: I just
want it to be a funny comment about how ridiculous it is to mix the two fields
of religion and daylilies.]
I'd like to introduce you to the "First Tetraploid Church Of Christ,
Many of you might not realize the close association between God and
daylilies, and the dire danger to immortal souls that could result from
ignorance of the teachings of Jesus and the prophets about daylilies.
Our church was founded in the Tetraploid Reformation, to correct the
damnable abuses and heresies practiced beforehand. Instead, we hearken
back to the fundamental meanings of the inerrant Holy Register and Journal,
both the Diploid and Tetraploid Testaments of the Checklist. (Though the
Diploid Testament has been fulfilled by Jesus.)
Our faith is rooted in the teachings of Jesus and the Prophets as recorded in
the inerrant Daylily Journal.
The Ten Commandments Of The Prophet Stout:
- Thou shalt not have companion plants before me.
- Thou shalt not make false-color images of thy seedlings.
- Thou shalt not name seedlings in vain.
- Remember the auction day to keep it holy.
- Honor thy pollen and pod parents, that they shall set abundant seed.
- Thou shalt not compost named varieties.
- Thou shalt not pollenate indiscriminately.
- Thou shalt not raid other gardens.
- Thou shalt not diss other hybridizer's new introductions.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's seedlings, nor his breeding stock,
nor his soil, nor his irrigation system, nor his shade house.
Our primary doctrine is that all daylilies germinate with the original sin
of being unregistered. Only by regermination through the power of Jesus
in the Holy Registry can this sin be expunged. Thus sayeth the prophets
(DJ, W/S 97 p43.)
It is written that the end times are near, and when Jesus returns, he will
bring blue daylilies.
While awaiting the end times, we continually battle to save souls from many
- Miscegination between species and hybrids. The sacrament of tetraploidy
is our chief weapon.
- The Eurekan Heresy of price comparison, denounced by hybridizer-prophets.
The virtuous buy without regard to price, demonstrating faith in the
- The evils of tissue culture and rapid propagation, which lead astray from
the sacred path of hybridizer to collector to the public, and renders
worthless the labors of the collector.
- True Christian hybridizers likewise abhor the false science of genetics.
Hybrids receive their perfection as gifts from their hybridizers through
the power of Jesus, through the true science of hybridism, with the
God-given method of pretty-on-pretty. The face of the flower is the soul
of the flower: all else is vanity, and leads away from the glory of awards
to the hell-fire of the compost heap.
- Evilutionists think dayliles came about like this:
single-celled algal ancestor
Hemerocallis Companion Plants
But we know that God created all the kinds of plants in the creation.
Adam carried the species daylilies out of the garden of Eden.
Eve carried the companion plants, and Satan brought the weeds.
- The Seven Deadly Sins of daylily culture: aphids, mites, thrips, rot,
spring sickness, weeds, and voles. Jesus wants you to free yourself of
- Beware of satanic daylily internationalism! Daylilies are American, just
like their hybridizer, Jesus. For that reason, it is the AMERICAN
- Be not led into temptation by the lures of other plants, exhalting them
above daylilies. The first of the ten laws of the prophet Stout is
"Thou shalt not have companion plants before me."
- Sacrifice not the Golden Calf, STELLA DE ORO, to false gods. Jesus will
provide the gentle rains, yea even within the greenhouses.
- Jesus and Tetraploidy are the One True Path. Did Mohammed breed octoploid
daylilies? Certainly not!
In conclusion, please remember that it's prayer to Jesus that makes the
May the blessings of the popularity poll fall upon you and yours!
In the name of the Anther, the Stigma, and the Holy Pollinator, aHEM.
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