Livermore Labs Discover New Element!
PRESS - FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
The heaviest element known to science was discovered today by physicists
at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratories.
The element, tentatively known as Administratium, has no protons or
electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one
neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice
neutron, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These particles are held
together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles, called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction with which it comes
into contact.
According to the discoverers (now employed by Hewlett-Packard), a minute
amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to
complete when it normally would occur in less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years at
which time it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a
reorganization in which the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and
assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the
atomic weight actually increases with each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points,
such as government agencies, large computer or aerospace corporations, and
universities, and can actually be found in the newest, best maintained
buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level
of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it
is allowed to accumulate. Frantic attempts are being made to prevent
irreversible damage, but results to-date are not promising, since attempts
to control it simply cause more Administratium to be made.
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