action accessories

August 8, 2001

This Year's Bird List:
Plum Island Bird List

Today's Reading:
The Botany of Desire by Michael Pollan

This Year's Reading:
2001 Book List

Today's Starting Pitcher:
Frank Castillo

I stopped by Walmart on the way home tonight to pick up some Sudafed. That's not in and of itself memorable, even though I do have a slight phobia of huge windowless stores with merchandise stacked higher than my head, and I really really need the Sudafed. No. On the way to the Sudafed aisle, I passed the toy aisle. The one with the action figures in it. Something caught my eye. A package of hands labeled Action Accessories. Fists, open hands, hands curled around an imaginary weapon... What kind of an action figure has body parts as accessories? Ultimate Soldier. Not a toy I'd ever heard of somehow. What with the kids only interested in girl toys, and my being a peacenik and all, this fellow has not been on my radar. Apparently he is the reincarnation of GI Joe.

So, if Ultimate Soldier needs to punch someone in the heat of battle, does he unscrew his gun-clenching hand accessory and replace it with a fist accessory? Does Ultimate Soldier say "Wait a second while I change out my hand?" Seems like that would give the enemy an advantage. Unless of course the enemy has to replace body parts for every action too. Or maybe they have rules of engagement that stop the action while they re-accessorize.

What if he goes into battle without his gun hand? Come to think of it, where does he store all those extra hands when he's marching through the desert or the jungle or the snowy hills of Bosnia? Guns? Check. Ammo? Check. Hands? Check.

And I used to think it was weird that Barbie's knees don't bend.