In 1887, a Polish doctor named Ludwig Zamenhof unveiled a universal
language that he hoped would be embraced by the world's population.
Dr. Z. firmly believed that the lingo - initially called Lingvo
Internacia, but later dubbed Esperanto to please the Marketing
department - would eliminate world problems brought on by ethnic
and territorial boundaries. Alas, like most plans hatched by lonely
guys without social lives, the good doctor's utopian dream turned
out to be a dud.
Having said that, I'm sure to receive letters from readers claiming
to have mastered global goo-goo ga-ga. That's great. I am also
confident that somewhere right now at a Start Trek convention grown
men are arguing in fluent Klingon about the molecular density of
William Shatner's toupee. The world is not lacking in useless
obsession. It's brotherhood we're missing. In fact, here in the
US, where we purportedly already share a common language,
communication has never been more fragmented. Dim lights.
Roll tape.
Casual Incoherence:This relaxed-fit language of the street
consists mostly of grunting, television advertising slogans, and
phrases-of-the-moment such as "don't go there" and "you know what
I'm sayin'?" I had the pleasure of working with a young man who
inserted the latter verbal tic after every third or fourth word.
He would talk and I would nod my head like one of those tiny
baseball player statues with the spring-loaded noggins. "I
was confused, you know what I'm sayin'?" (nod) "It was the
right paperwork, you know what I'm sayin'?" (nod, nod) "But
the blue copy was missing, you know what I'm sayin'?" (nod,
nod, nod). He was promoted. I've taken to wearing a foam
rubber neck brace.
Government Cheese: When the government communicates with the
unwashed populace, it alternately seeks to obscure and belabor the
obvious. The terminology used to describe modern warfare is a fine
example. Thanks to GC, the efficient killing of large groups of
swarthy strangers has been sanitized to the point where most
citizens now regard casualties as shocking and unacceptable.
In the era of smart bombs and friendly fire, there's no room
for blood and bad news. Instead, we review balance sheets of
"collateral damage" and "degraded targets." Forgive me, but
being "degraded" is listening to Michael Bolton, not having
your legs wind up in the next village.
Corporate Compost: The business community has a separate jargon
for the sole purpose of lying to itself. If you think that is odd,
consider management's plight: they are in charge, yet they lack tangible
skills. To compensate, they stand around and say things like
"As thought-leaders we will leverage learnings enterprise-wide
to create a cross-platform synergy." The trick is to use these
silly words and not laugh as you do it. My favorite at the moment
is "going forward." As in "Going forward, we expect sales to
increase." Do we really need to remind people that time is moving
forward? A more impressive feat would be to increase past sales.
Now that would be worth a new Lexus.
Official Nothingness: The official spokesperson's job is to say
something and nothing at the same time. If it is absolutely necessary to
deliver bad news, the ON must be delicately "spun" to create a gossamer
web of non-threatening blather. Take, for instance, the three-page
memorandum I recently received from the folks that pick up the trash.
I was shocked to learn from my "waste management team" that "the New
England region has experienced a steady compression of disposal
capacity" resulting in "the need to improve satisfactory operating
margins." I have no idea what that means, but I do have an inexplicable
urge to send them more money.
As we run out of space at the end of the page, one is tempted to ask:
what are we to make of this linguistic bramble, this war of words that
divides us? It's hard to say. On one hand, we are at the dawn of a new
communication age of global satellite and Internet technology. On the
other hand, a professional wrestler is governor of Minnesota and Howard
Stern is on the New York Times bestseller list. Perhaps Dr. Zamenhof
said it best, "Mi deziras feliæan kaj prosperan novan jaron al æiuj
niaj membroj kaj samideanoj!
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