Table of Contents
Introduction.
Chapter 1: An Engineer's Story, a narrative of my five year religious crisis and its culmination in mystical union in 1962.
Chapter 2: Purgation.
Chapter 3: Mystical Union.
Chapter 4: My religious development during the years that followed mystical union.
Chapter 5: The Transcendental Feedback Phenomenological (TFP) methodology for both scientifically describing consciousness during a deep subjective experience and then performing a scientifically-based eidetic reduction of that experience. The eidetic reduction enables the analyst to identify the dynamic physical objects or dynamic noumena in the experiencer's neurophysiological system that were driving the experiencer's dynamic phenomena or dynamic consciousness in the experiencer's long term memory (LTM) during the deep subjective experience.
Chapter 6: Application of TFP to both scientifically describe my consciousness during my religious experience of purgation and then perform a scientifically-based eidetic reduction of purgation. The eidetic reduction enables the analyst to scientifically identify the dynamic physical objects or dynamic noumena in the analyst's neurophysiological system that were driving consciousness in the analyst's LTM during the deep subjective religious experience of purgation (This analysis also gives the solution to Chalmers' hard problem for the case of purgation).
Chapter 7: Key insights arising from my search for the Truth.
Summary.
Bibliography.
However, in 1962 when I was 30 years old, I had a profound sixteen hour religious experience (see Chapter 1). That sixteen hour experience has remained the most sacred hours of my life. I still remember and value and cherish the depth and greatness of that religious experience. The experience occurred naturally or spontaneously, without the use of drugs or herbs or meditation techniques (see Chapters 1, 2, and 3). The experience is called in Western culture: purgation culminating in mystical union. However, a few days after my religious experience I began to flounder. It was clear to me I needed advice or direction and a quiet, meditative religious environment, so I entered a monastery in the role of a preprobationary monk. I needed to be in a holy atmosphere, to settle down, and to learn how to proceed in my religious life. During the first two months at the monastery, May and June 1962, my mind and heart were experiencing both a profound spiritual state and a state that Csikszentmihalyi (1975) calls a flow state. Around June I requested the charismatic head of the monastery system to kindly give me some instructions. His brief, but very profound, instructions will be discussed in Chapter 4. Then, in July the depth of my spiritual state and my flow state slowly began to lose its sacred quality. I tried, but I couldn't stop my spiritual state and my flow state from returning to the normal state. Then, slowly, I began to find the monastery life incompatible and only stayed until November: Thus, I stayed at the monastery for a total of seven months. Nevertheless, I am very grateful to the Ramakrishna/Vivekananda Order for enabling me to stay at the monastery during those critical seven months.
Then, for the next 15 years I tried to lead a religious life, guided mainly from the promptings coming from my blessed heart (see section 2 of Chapter 4). My aim during those 15 years was to rise to the greatness of a religious life. I was very much absorbed in this activity. It was a very interesting, but very difficult, 15 years for me. Some of my experiences during that adventure led me to some maturation: maturation of my mind, my heart, and my developing religious life. My experiences during those 15 years and beyond also revealed some of my character flaws. Then, toward the end of those 15 years, from 1973 to 1977, I took on a memorable, indeed fascinating, - but very stressful - four year experience as a night-shift cab driver in Cambridge and Boston. Eventually, in 1977 it became clear to me that I had taken on more than I could handle. At that time I was 45 years old: I decided it was time to begin my climb, back up to engineering. That slow, but adventurous, climb back up to high tech engineering took about 7 years (see Chapter 4).
As my adventurous return to engineering proceeded, my engineering skills began to sharpen up again. Later in 1984, when my analytical climb into high tech engineering began to level off, I began to reflect on the 22 years since my religious experience: I recalled that ten years back, in 1974 - during the first or second year that I was driving the cab - I ran across Forrester's powerful system dynamics (SD) methodology while browsing at the MIT bookstore. To my surprise, Forrester's advanced and very subtle SD methodology looked relatively easy to me. However, after I had become more familiar with Forrester's analytical standards, I understood why: He seemed to be constantly using the first principle of engineering: Keep It Simple. Also, I noticed that Forrester and his associates - and even some of the undergraduate students - were able to apply SD to deeply comprehend the dynamics of a great variety of very complex systems. In short, it looked to me like I might be able to use the SD methodology to analyze my religious experience. However, in 1974 I was still absorbed in cab driving: I was still just a kid at heart (see section 2 of Chapter 4). I was just a kid, even though I had been seriously trained as a theoretical mechanical engineer. My heart wanted to get deeper into that challenging cab driving adventure in order to gain some background on the way society works, to gain some maturity, and to gain experience about how people in a society think and react. If I could get those deep insights, perhaps it could lead me out of what I knew was my cultural slavery and lead me toward freedom. So, ten years later, after having gone through my cab driving adventure as far as I could go and after having sharpened up my engineering skills again, I sensed that my time was running out. It was time to make my move: The GTR Project began in 1984 when I was 52 years old.
In early 2008 - after a relentless 24 year effort, focused on the GTR Project - I attained my original goals: I established a three step, presuppositionless, system dynamics(SD)-based, phenomenological methodology for analyzing the data in my long term memory (LTM). My LTM permanently contained either my dynamic core consciousness or my dynamic inner phenomena placed there during my 1962, ten-hour, subjective, religious experience of purgation. I call the three step methodology, Transcendental Feedback Phenomenology (TFP). The first stage of my strategy had been to establish TFP, while at the same time apply it to analyze the data in my LTM during my ten-hour religious experience of purgation. Steps I and II of the TFP methodology are able to describe my 1962, ten-hour experience of purgation by modeling and simulating the contents of my LTM, which had been placed there during purgation. Then, in Step III of the TFP methodology I was able to make a scientifically-based eidetic reduction of my experience of purgation or - stated in another way - Step III was able to transcendentally ground my core consciousness or my phenomena placed in my LTM during my purgation experience. Immanuel Kant would have stated it this way: Step III reveals the nature of the noumena in the experiencer's neurophysiological system that were driving the phenomena or core consciousness during purgation. I found that the dynamic noumena during my dynamic purgation experience probably had the following material form: About a dozen sets of cramped antagonistic heart muscles were being released in my neurophysiological system. These were the noumena. The dynamics of those noumena were driving the dynamics of the phenomena or my core consciousness. This eidetic reduction allowed me to comprehend the physical reality of my religious experience of purgation. Then, as I began to recall my early life, I surmised that the dozen sets of cramped antagonistic heart muscles had probably become cramped or paralyzed during my childhood trauma when I was 9 or 10 years old. Eventually, I began to conjecture that over a period of 20 or 21 years those cramped heart muscles slowly became ripe and then were spontaneously released in 1962 during my experiencing of purgation when I was 30 years old. In this way the picture began to form about my religious experience. To feel comfortable about this picture, I had to use the three steps of the TFP methodology and I had to be willing to make the above 24 year effort. Most importantly, though, I was relentlessly driven by my need to know about the origin of my profound religious experience.
Keep in mind that my ten-hour experience of purgation just preceded the estimated four-to-seven second experience of mystical union. During mystical union the experiencer experiences the very ground or core of his or her being. From my experience, I believe mystical union lies at the very heart of both philosophy and religion. However, also keep in mind that the profound experience of mystical union is not dynamic. It is a timeless and changeless experience. As a result, it is an experience that cannot be analyzed using SD. However, I believe mystical union can be analyzed, beginning with the first law of thermodynamics. The analysis of my experience of mystical union will be performed in Volume II of the General Theory of Religion or GTR Project. However, my ten hour, dynamic experience of purgation is my focus now in this Volume I of the GTR Project.
Let us now take the above two paragraphs and clarify them even more in this paragraph and the following nine paragraphs: The key to my scientific analysis of the dynamic core consciousness or phenomena data associated with purgation is that the data of core consciousness during purgation was immediately or spontaneously being permanently stored in my long term memory (LTM), while it was being experienced. Then, my exploration of that permanent - but dynamic moment by moment - LTM data for purgation begins with Step I of the TFP methodology. Step I allows the analyst to explore and to outline the permanent LTM data for purgation. It uses the SD-based, causal loop diagram technique, but the reader should note that the causal loop diagram technique is not mathematically based. Because of this the exploration is not scientific. Nevertheless, that Step I technique enabled me to begin the TFP-based model of my phenomena system going on during purgation. Step I was just the beginning of my exploration of purgation. In Step II I began using Forrester's powerful SD methodology to scientifically describe my experience of purgation. That is, in Step II I mathematically modeled and simulated core consciousness, also called the phenomena, associated with purgation. That SD-based, phenomenological model or noema for purgation is at Figure 2, shown at Key #6. Key #6 is located below, at The Keys to the GTR Project section of this Introduction. Key #6 is one of the six keys that open up the heart of this book.
I spent ten years - from 1984 to 1994 - using Steps I and II to build the TFP model for purgation, shown at Figure 2. In doing so, I constructed a scientific, 38 variable, SD-based, phenomenological model of purgation and its associated mathematical model. It is shown at Key #6. I was using Step I and Step II during the first five or so years of that 10 year period. During Step II of the first five years, I had obtained a fairly good mathematically-based, preliminary model of purgation's phenomena. Then, during the last years of that 10 year period I began using an iterative technique to refine Step II's preliminary model, so that it slowly became a much more refined and accurate model. The iterative technique consisted of constantly repeating the following iterative cycle:
Once I had obtained a certain degree of accuracy and mastery of my model of core consciousness during purgation, using Step II of the TFP methodology, I was ready to begin the final step: Step III of the TFP methodology. Step III is concerned with transcendentally grounding the Step II model (which is also called Figure 2) of my core consciousness or my inner phenomena going on during my experience of purgation. Essentially, transcendentally grounding Figure 2 means identifying the dynamic noumena or the dynamic material objects in my neurophysiological system that were driving the 38 core consciousness or phenomena variables associated with the Figure 2 phenomenological model of my experience of purgation. Husserl called this step the eidetic reduction. However, Husserl's method for Step III is not scientific. For example, Husserl called his method for performing the eidetic reduction, eidetic variation or imaginative variation or free phantasy (Drummond 2008). Whereas, we will see in the following five paragraphs that the Step III method of the TFP methodology, used for performing the eidetic reduction, is scientific.
My preparation for developing a scientific method for Step III extended from 1994 to the early part of 2008. Much of the time that I used up during that 14 year process found me trying to understand the fight going on between scientific scholars and religious scholars over the eidetic reduction. It seemed to me that the protagonists in the middle of that fight were Husserl (science) and Heidegger (religion). Coming out of that fight was the political and cultural confusion over Truth in the very subtle field of Phenomenology: It involved science, religion, and culture. I also spent a lot of time wrestling with ideas developed by scholars in phenomenology, ideas that lacked a scientific or mathematical or engineering base for dealing with the eidetic reduction. Also, I had a very difficult time understanding the published books of leading phenomenological thinkers and philosophers in the field of phenomenology. Here is an example: The first summary of Phenomenology by Husserl. It was written by Husserl in German. Later it was to be translated into English and then published in the Encyclopaedia Britanica in 1929. For the first time Phenomenology was to be introduced to the English speaking world. Eventually, it was published on time, but the translation from German into English had been strangely and misleadingly translated. In addition, an important problem for me during those 14 years was I had no deep training in philosophy. I was a rather naive engineer, a lone independent scholar, who had followed his nose and wandered into Phenomenology. I was not aware that the essence of my work was located right in the middle of a war between science and religion. Nevertheless, my long, floundering, 14 year study of the very difficult field of Phenomenology eventually resulted in my scientifically-based eidetic reduction of my experience of purgation. The method used in that eidetic reduction is the Step III method of the TFP methodology. Step III is precious! It is enabling me to understand the origin of my experience of purgation.
Here is how I, eventually, was able to make the Step III scientific breakthrough to the eidetic reduction or transcendental grounding of purgation: First off, transcendentally grounding my Step II phenomenological model of purgation, shown at Figure 2, required me to identify the dynamic material objects or the dynamic noumena or eidos or essence that was driving the dynamics of my core consciousness or my phenomena system during purgation. How this was accomplished is shown in Key #5. Keep in mind that the dynamic noumena system was driving my dynamic core consciousness or my phenomena system. My model of the phenomena or core consciousness during purgation, shown in Figure 2, turned out to be structured (see Forrester 1968b) as a second order negative feedback system (SONFS). With this information, I began to realize that the dynamics of the noumena that were probably driving the dynamics of the phenomena must have had the dynamic characteristics of a SONFS. For example, it is known that the dynamics of the release of pairs of antagonistic muscles has the dynamic characteristics of a SONFS. Now, if one reads the narrative of my religious experience, shown at Key #4, one can see that almost all the dynamic action occurring within me during purgation was occurring in my heart. Therefore, within my neurophysiological system it is probable that a dynamic noumena system, structured as a SONFS in the form of the dynamic release of sets of antagonistic heart muscles, was driving the Figure 2 phenomena system, which is also structured as a SONFS. Slowly, I began to realize that the transcendental grounding analysis given just above turns out to be the scientific Step III, or scientific-based eidetic reduction, that I was looking for, as I strived to establish Step III of the scientific Transcendental Feedback Phenomenological (TFP) methodology. A relatively brief, but very clear, summary of the entire TFP analysis of the phenomena - for my 10-hour experience of purgation - is given at Key #5. However, a draft of my more extended and detailed analysis, associated with the detailed eidetic reduction has not been put together yet. Eventually, that extended and more detailed analysis will be presented at Chapter 6.
After I had gone through the three steps of the scientifically-based TFP methodology, presented in the above eight paragraphs, a number of other insights began occurring to me about my religious experience of purgation: The dynamic material objects or noumena in my neurophysiological system that were probably driving the core consciousness or the dynamic phenomena associated with purgation were, roughly, a dozen spontaneously releasing pairs of cramped or paralyzed, antagonistic, heart muscles. Once I had identified the noumena, I began to realize those muscles had probably become cramped or paralyzed during my childhood trauma, way back when I was 9 or 10 years old (see Section C of Key #1). Therefore, having linked the dynamic noumena with the abreaction or release of my trauma, I began to realize that back in 1962 at the age of 30 - when I was experiencing purgation - I was really experiencing the release or abreaction of my cramped heart muscles, heart muscles that were lying deep in the ground of my being.
The release or abreaction was a two step process: First, the cramped heart muscles had to become ripe during the 20 or 21 year period, from the time when my trauma had occurred when I was 9 or 10 years old to the time when the cramped heart muscles were released when I was 30 years old in April 1962. Putting it simply, in 1962 my childhood trauma was finally ripe and was spontaneously being released or abreacted.
Further, it is well known that childhood traumas are constantly occurring throughout the world. Then, by studying religious experiences associated with the major religions I began to realize that my peak religious experience - purgation culminating in mystical union - had the same type of origin and the same type of noumena as the peak experiences found in all other religions (see Key #2): The release or abreaction of a trauma underlies my peak experience and indicates that my religious experience is a universal experience. It is similar to religious experiences occurring throughout the world. As a result, I began to see that I was not only dealing with the core of religion, I was dealing with a general theory of religion: e pluribus unum. I also began to see I was dealing with the long-sought-for integration of science and religion. I also began to see that, as a byproduct, the analysis had solved the central problem in the emerging field of consciousness studies: Chalmers' hard problem (CHP). A brief summary of the solution to CHP is also shown at Key #5.
The fullest presentation of all of the above ideas and related insights - with roughly 600 accompaning links - is the subject of this book. Its URL is at http://world.std.com/~awolpert
Key Breakthroughs: The key breakthroughs made during my 24 year effort between 1984 and the early part of 2008 are listed below. Those breakthroughs are establishing the foundations for the General Theory of Religion, the Transcendental Feedback Phenomenological (TFP) methodology, and Husserl's programs for a Philosophy as a Rigorous Science and for a Psychology or Psychiatry as a Rigorous Science. Therefore, the foundations will ultimately bring about scientific revolutions. Some of the fields, which will experience these revolutions, are as follows: consciousness studies, psychiatry, psychology, philosophy, phenomenology, system dynamics, and in science itself.
However, many religious people will make the following point: We should examine the peak experience of either Moses, the sages of the Upanishads, Parmenides, Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed, Ramakrishna, or other revered avatars and saints! My response is there is not enough data in the sacred texts associated with the Avatars. My position is that many people have had a peak experience. However, only a few of these people have been known and have had followers: After the peak experience some have become arhats or avatars; others - those who have attained steady wisdom (Plato, Symposium) - have become bodhisattvas [Buddhist], sthitaprajnas (The Bhagavadgita II:54-72), saints [Christian], etc; others have anonymously devoted themselves to family and community and, if they are recognized, are sometimes called a mensch [yiddish], a standup guy [US slang], etc. Still, others are problematic and difficult to categorize. In my opinion it would be best to have an avatar or a saint or a mensch make a scientific analysis of his or her peak experience so we could base the general theory of religion on that analysis. However, no avatar or saint or mensch has stepped forward. As a result - for the time being - the scientific theory must be based on an analysis of my own experience. I give the following credentials for such an undertaking:
The Primary Purpose of Religion is to enable one to walk the plank: This latter phrase applies to the crucial ten minutes of my deep ten hour religious experience. In the West my ten hour religious experience is usually called purgation culminating in mystical union. During the crucial ten minutes I used my religious preparedness, taught to me when I was a child and a youth. That religious preparedness saved me when I had to walk the plank. This means that my religious preparedness saved me from panic, from a nervous breakdown, and from the eventual development of some form of mental illness: Religious preparedness is the The Primary Purpose of Religion.
Yea,
Though I walk through the valley
Of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil:
For thou art with me;from Psalm 23 of the Bible or the Old Testament
To get deeper into this Primary Purpose of Religion, I would now like to tell you a little more about walking the plank: The desperate minutes during purgation, when I was in danger of panic, a nervous breakdown, etc. Those were the crucial ten minutes of my life. With the profound help of the Divine I made it through those crucial ten minutes when the first knot in my heart was being released. The knots in my heart were caused by my childhood trauma. Walking the plank takes place when the first knot of the trauma is being released. All traumas are eventually released, but usually the release is not completed because the experiencer panics. In my case, once my religious preparedness was able to deal with the first knot, my heart and my imagination were then more able to deal with the entire 10 hour release of the dozen or so knots in my heart during the release of my trauma. Below, you will see that it was because of the profound help of the Lord that I made it through in one piece.
"Like the sharp edge of a razor is that path,
difficult to tread and hard to cross."
Katha Upanishad: 3:14.
"Enter ye in at the straight gate: for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:
Because straight is the gate and narrow is the way which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it."
Matthew 7:13-14.
Listed below is a more detailed description of what was going on during my religious experience, simulated in Figure 1 above.
(The timetable for my entire 16 hour religious experience, given below, is even further detailed in the narration at The Heart Begins to Open section of
Chapter 1.
Please note that the simulations of the #3 and #4 PsychicStress variables are not accurate between the 555 minute mark and the 617 minute mark. That is because the release of the knots in my heart were happening too fast to be simulated accurately when the simulation covers a 960 minute period: For example, at times knots were being released every 30 or 60 seconds during that period. Figure 3 below corrects that problem: It presents more detailed and more accurate two minute simulations of the variables during that relatively fast moving period. It also gives the reader a better understanding of how a knot was released.)
Here are some memories from my youth and my college years: I believe these memories are related to the trauma:
After the first 9 hours of purgation, particularly after experiencing the preliminary peak in PsychicStress at the 180 minute mark, shown in Figure 1 above, I knew I was dealing with an opening heart that was stymied by a knot. However, as the first knot began its 10 minute releasing process, particularly during the last 3 or 4 minutes before the 555 minute mark in Figure 1, my stress, my fear, and my anxiety started to mount. It was clear that the situation was getting dangerous.
(This is where I believe panic and a nervous breakdown would have occurred. However, I had already begun to use my religious preparedness and my prayers. So, I hadn't panicked yet.)My first step, using my religious preparedness, was to pray: "Oh Lord, save me." Then, slowly and prayerfully, I began to use my imagination and my religious belief to associate the knot with a particular sin in my life and I asked the blessed Lord - now taking on the role of a Judge in the scenario - for forgiveness of that sin. My religious teachings or belief told me that, if the Judge were to accept my plea, the sin would be forgiven and the knot would then be released. But, there was no release! I didn't panic, though. At that point, using my imagination, I felt the wise and manly Judge was not releasing the knot yet, because He wanted to make sure I was really serious about asking for forgiveness of that sin. But during this delay I noticed my stress, fear, and anxiety were increasing rapidly. My situation was getting desperate. Time was running out, but God was with me:
Then, out of nowhere, my imagination stepped forward and countered my rising fears and anxiety: My imagination said: "The Judge is not playing around. He is deadly serious. He will not put up with any second-rate prayers."
I liked that kind of a guy! No nonsense. Finally, I had found a guy who was serious. He had a much greater standard for integrity and trueness than I had ever had. Now, as my state of mind rose to extreme desperation, I began to pray in earnest. I prayed with an intensity and integrity that was far more profound and intense than the way I had prayed before. Now, I prayed with all my heart and soul. Then, the Judge, calmly standing back and carefully assessing the situation, decided that forgiveness of my sin was justified and, in a very detached way, He allowed the knot to be released at the 555 minute mark.
Because of the integrity and thoroughness by which the Judge conducted this examination during the release of the first knot, I knew He had things under control: I was in good hands. More importantly, I now knew that despite His aloofness and detachment He wanted me on his side. I began to recognize He was a very rare kind of guy: A serious, no nonsense, straight shooting, type of Judge. He was able to penetrate straight into my very heart and soul. (That was where my manhood was bravely waiting for its liberation.)
Then my heart began to open further and I encountered the next knot. "During the tenth hour the above scenario - with many variations - went on relentlessly for about a dozen knots. Yes, the tenth hour was about fear, anxiety, release, and the liberation of my manhood that occurred during this abreaction or release of my childhood sexual trauma. However, the tenth hour was also about a series of intense, serious, earnest, and sacred pledges or promises, made knot by knot in the presence of God. (God always watches over or supervises the activities of the Judge and the person who is being judged.)
In this way - by using my imagination, my prayers, and my religious belief - I was able to walk the plank. This very dangerous process had the potential to either result in panic, a nervous breakdown, and some form of psychosis or result in the release of the cramped or paralyzed heart muscles and convert that release into the intense, profound, and sacred religious experience of purgation culminating in mystical union.
If I had not called upon the Divine and had not used my imagination, my prayers, and my religious belief, I would have panicked and had a nervous breakdown. Instead, with the Lord at my side I had walked the plank!
Yea,
Though I walk through the valley
Of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil:
For thou art with me;from Psalm 23 of the Bible or the Old Testament
"I'm goin' for broke. I'm gonna do or die: I'm goin' all the way."
"My desk was crowded into a small room with those of four other engineers. I was chain-smoking three packs per day of strong, unfiltered cigarettes, filling the room with smoke and, at times, a prolonged, fitful cough. I was trying to make an intense effort to concentrate in order to raise the level of my status but was hindered by dissipating habits that I could see were destroying me. My colleagues were young, bright, and versatile engineers. They wondered why management let this strange, ill-mannered, and arrogant person in the door. I felt out of place, put upon, and rejected. A promising career and vital health had sunk to this level. Perhaps I could have settled for mediocrity - slavery in one form or another - but to my mind I was in a battle for my life." (Please open up the link just above. It is very important.)
Table I, below, gives the 14 stages of my 53 month religious crisis. The details of Table I give the reader a brief and concise base for the concept of a general theory of religion. Note: The GTR Project's plan to cure mental illness through religion applies to all major religions.
The Heart Begins to Open
The purification resulting from renunciation came about by a supreme effort of the will and by Grace, but the second stage of the purification that followed proceeded passively. A force began to manifest itself in me and I could do nothing but pray. My will was powerless to effect this Force. It began in the following way:I returned to Southern California at the end of March 1962 for another ten day vacation after successfully completing the project. I was still running true. I was charged and in a state of openness. On this visit I went to another monastery run by the same Order of monks. Again I found myself in a holy atmosphere (11). I had a deeply restful, enchanting, profoundly moving week, many times bubbling over with mirth and on one occasion, hearing a beautiful piece of religious music, I was unable to contain a weeping which became a prolonged sobbing from the bottom of my heart.
Around noon on Sunday I left the monastery to return to Boston for work the next day. I was to take a cab to the Los Angeles airport and then a non-stop flight to Boston. I had plenty of time. The cab stand was about a half-mile away. I was walking down a hill with a small suitcase in my hand. As I walked reflectively and in peace down that hill in the warm and brilliant Southern California sun, my heart slowly began to feel full. My mind was drawn inward. In this mood I arrived at the cab stand. I told the driver my destination. He was a rather cool and playful young man in his early twenties. I noticed that I was very friendly and mirthful - quite unusual for me since I usually never spoke to cab drivers. During the ride I was joking and at times giggling and had a great time for the half hour drive to the airport. At one point the driver asked me if I had had a 'joint' before getting into the cab. Of course, I had not.
At the airport, however, the warmth or power in my heart began to deepen. I was sitting in the waiting area for the flight but found I could not stay seated. I got up and began to pace the floor of the waiting room. I was well dressed and groomed in a fine conservative suit. Perhaps it was a rather strange sight. The thought occurred to me I was on the verge of a heart attack, but I was only thirty and in good health so dismissed the idea.
The plane was quite full. I took my assigned seat by the window. After the plane circled LA and turned East, the Force in my heart began to get intense. My heart was opening!! There was a struggle going on in my heart. The Force was opening my heart and, because of my fear, my will was waging a losing battle to close it. The opening of my heart brought about a fear - indeed - a terror. At the same time I felt a degree of love for all, forgiveness, brotherhood and sisterhood for all.
I called for the stewardess. I told her something was wrong with my heart. She got me out to the first aid area and gave me oxygen, but it had no effect. She took me to the first class area where there were fewer passengers and I could be alone. The Force continued to try to open my heart and I was in a state of terror, for fear I would die shortly. I kept getting up and walking to the drinking fountain to quench the fire in my breast. I must have drank at least two gallons of water during the five and one-half hour flight.
A few times the stewardess came by to see how I was. Once she sat down next to me. She seemed quite curious about me. She was about 24 or 26. Under the ceiling spotlight I could see her features were delicate but her beauty had now passed its peak. There were the first signs of tension wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. Close up I could sense something about her that had gone cold and there was a sadness underneath her makeup. She was neglecting what I could see was a precious soul. In the course of our quiet conversation I told her, in a somewhat oracular way, 'Please leave this terrible job.' She asked me why I thought it was so terrible. I said, in effect, she was being paid to be pleasant and gay to the passengers even though her heart and soul didn't feel it any more. She needed an honest job. With my heart so open, I knew my intuition was sure and I could see these things clearly, quite in the same way that the lay of the land can be seen and understood better when standing at an elevated place. Under ordinary circumstances such a conversation would have set the stewardess' teeth on edge, but with my heart so open she seemed to sense my good will and took what I said to heart.
Nevertheless, when I arrived in Boston about 10:30pm, I was met by a powerfully built and rather serious airport state police officer. He was about 35 or 40 years old. He escorted me from the plane ahead of the others and led me to the airport shelter. Normally I was rather aloof from police officers, indeed I didn't like authority of any kind, but when the officer met me my heart was so open I felt all men were my brothers. As I walked aside of him to the shelter, I found myself putting my right arm around his broad shoulders. I became aware of the gun at his holster but it made no difference to me. In the state of mind I was in, I felt toward him like toward an elder, beloved brother meeting me at the plane. I chatted with him and thanked him for his trouble and great courtesy and assistance. I told him I had just left a monastery and was overwhelmed by being in a crowd of people and that I would be alright once I got home. Besides being an optimistic prognosis to calm myself, it also seemed to be an appropriate way of explaining my openness and feelings of brotherhood and also of avoiding being detained. Ordinarily this tough, no-nonsense police officer would have given me a difficult time but instead, like the stewardess, he seemed to sense the integrity of my feelings.
The Dark Night of the Soul: The Heart is Purified and Prepared for the Culminating Experience
I took a cab and arrived about 11pm at my South End lodgings. They consisted of two rooms on the second floor of an almost-deserted rooming house overlooking - to the right - the extensive federal housing project near the Cathedral. The dull red brick buildings and barren clothes-lines at the edge of the project could be seen from my front window by the light of the street lamps. The window faced a large tree-lined, but neglected, park called Blackstone Square. Next door - to the left - was a Syrian Church with a domed roof overhung by a huge tree, now bare of leaves in early April. A light, quietly emanating from the ornate glass window in the dome, soothed my soul as I paced the rooms.Finally I was alone. I laid down on my bed. I knew very little about the writings of the mystics at the time. I did not know that I was now entering purgation or the Refiner's Fire or the Dark Night of the Soul (18) that would purify my heart and make me fit for Union with God:
"But who may abide the day of His coming,The events in the cab and on the plane were the beginning but the Dark Night of the Soul began in earnest when I laid down on my bed. As I have said, the fire in the heart led to the opening of the heart. The heart continued to open slowly and inexorably, step by step, like a flower. As it did, it produced forgiveness - forgiveness of those I felt had wronged me, who had teased and mocked me. These vexations departed from my heart one by one as they came to my mind - like water drops from a lotus leaf. At the same time there came to my mind, one by one, things I had done which lay buried in my conscience undermining my life. I prayed for the Lord to forgive me and He did so, one by one (19).
And who shall stand when He appeareth?
For He is like a Refiner's Fire." Malachi 3.2Simultaneous with this forgiveness was terror and joy. I was in terror of losing my life. The Fire or Force was opening my heart and I was naturally terrified since my heart had never been open that wide. Fear keeps the heart closed so if the heart is opened beyond its normal position it produces terror. To alleviate this terror I had to forgive. It allowed the heart to tolerate being opened at that degree of opening. As this proceeded, hatred slowly left my heart and it slowly became more purified.
Then the heart opened more. More terror. More sin and error came to my mind one by one and I asked the Lord to forgive me and He did so one by one. The terror lessened. The heart opened wider. More joy. More terror. More prayers. And as the heart opened ever wider my joy increased to ecstasy or rapture (20).
At the same time I was dealing with another aspect of the terror of losing my life: the dread or remorse that I would lose my worldly ties. I would die in this lonely place never to see my dear ones again. My worldly hopes and dreams would end here never to be fulfilled. Clinging to life, I begged the Lord, Oh save me. Let me live.
This Prayer of Salvation during such an emotional crisis deepened my attachment to God with Form. To confirm and permanently establish this attachment I made a Covenant with God with Form. Once this firm attachment was made I could remove myself from worldly attachments and all its associated complexities and my fears could more easily be borne (21). Only the most simple and fundamental structures of the mind-heart system were now being employed. This stabilized my mind and enabled my heart to continue the process of opening. It opened amidst joy, ecstasy, terror and anxiety while at the same time there was a fierce attention of my mind and being on that which was within.
The Great Silence
Gradually, then, over a period of about an hour this Refiner's Fire succeeded in bringing about an opening and purifying of my heart and bringing along with it peace to my conscience. As a result, my thinking process was able to rest. As this occurred, all of my mind - all of my being - was freed to focus on the present moment within where there existed the blessed open heart. In this undistracted, dramatic state my mind became one pointed. That was its natural, purified state. Then, suddenly, all action within me ceased (22). The pumping of my blood, the beating of my heart, the quivering or hum of my nerves (or perhaps the latter was my body shaking) ceased quite abruptly and I was left in a state of profound silence (23). I had crossed over to the Great Silence (24).In that state I no longer felt the previous terror, joy, or anxiety. Instead I felt I had come into my True Home, where I was Free(21, 25). I had left the World and was in a state of Pure Being. In that state my mind could not think; it could only observe inwardly and record (26). I had no power to recall or analyze. All of my mind and being continued to focus on the present moment within during the transition into the Silence and at the Silence. In that state of mind and being, my system was satisfied that it had penetrated to the core. Its energy then ran out. It let go and I fell into a swoon: a deep and abiding sleep (27).
It was the silent night, the holy night.
Presently I awoke. It was daybreak. All was peace, bliss. Within me lapped the Living Waters: a serene, wave-like energy of such a subtle frequency that it was capable of flowing evenly throughout my head and body as if they were both made of one substance(4, 28). I was in such a state of peace and bliss, pervaded by a feeling of inner goodness, that the experience has led me to believe this is what is known as Heaven (29). My sincere and earnest search for the Truth during the previous 53 months had finally been satisfied (30). I no longer felt that I must seek the ground of my life, the base upon which to build a sound life. I felt I had found the Ground of My Being: the philosopher's stone, the Formless, the Timeless, the Unconditioned, Knowledge, Bliss (31).
This I now feel is God: no more, no less. Reflection on those blessed hours since early April 1962 has led me to that conclusion (32).
Here are the three questions:
However, it is very important to be aware that during the releasing process of a trauma the trauma's associated psychic stress, fear, and anxiety are usually too much to bear for the experiencer. He or she usually panics, has a nervous breakdown, and then develops some sort of mental illness. Therefore, in order for the experiencer to be able to deal with that psychic stress, fear, and anxiety associated with the release of a trauma, the experiencer must use prayer, religious preparedness, etc. Such activity is the Primary Purpose of Religion. That is, my blessed prayers and religious preparedness enabled me to bear the anxiety, fear, and psychic stress without panicking, having a nervous breakdown, etc. This allowed me to go through the emotional crisis and arrive at a complete abreaction or release of my trauma. Because I used prayers, etc, throughout the ten-hour release of my trauma and because the experience was rooted deeply in my heart, my spontaneous religious response has dominated my memory of the abreaction or release of my trauma.
In my particular case, my cramped or paralyzed heart muscles spontaneously went through the process of releasing themselves. The dynamics of my releasing heart muscles drove the dynamic data of my core consciousness phenomena. That dynamic data of core consciousness was then immediately and permanently stored in my long term memory (LTM) at the time of that abreaction or release. The data of core consciousness being stored in my LTM was about the dynamics of my core consciousness during the entire ten hour purgation experience, including the core consciousness data about the state of openness of my heart. (Please note: Because my cramped or paralyzed heart muscles were spontaneously releasing themselves one by one, it naturally caused the state of my cramped up heart to begin to return to its full or open or natural position: Therefore, my heart was opening.)
Twenty two years later, in 1984 when I was 52 years old, I began the system dynamics-based analysis. The first thing I delved into was the dynamic core consciousness data for my ten hour experience of purgation. Immanuel Kant would have called that dynamic core consciousness data, associated with purgation and stored in my LTM, the dynamic phenomena of purgation. Also, he would have called the estimated 12 pairs of cramped or paralyzed, antagonistic muscles in my heart, that were - one by one - being spontaneously abreacted or released, the dynamic noumena.
I will now present how I was able to get the answer to question #1:
Though Kant (1724-1804), Franz Brentano (1838-1917), Paul Natorp (1854-1924), the Marburg School of Neokantianism (1870-1920), Edmund Husserl (1859-1938), Ernst Cassirer (1874-1945), Aron Gurwitsch (1901-1973), and others (see Holzhey 2005) studied such phenomena deeply, they were unable to transcendentally ground phenomena in a scientific way, because science was not advanced enough in the 18th, 19th, and the first half of the 20th century. The solving of CHP could only have been attained after the first half of the 20th century, because it was only after World War II that the two critical breakthroughs in science, required for solving CHP, occurred:
SD is the underlying analytical tool of the three step Transcendental Feedback Phenomenological (TFP) methodology (For a short introduction to these three steps see the next paragraph. Later, you can also study Chapter 5 or Section I in Chapter 6.) Using the three steps of the SD-based TFP methodology, I am able to mathematically analyze my first person core consciousness data residing in my LTM. In that analysis, shown in Section II in Chapter 6, the SD-based TFP methodology scientifically structures the data for purgation in a very compatible way: As a multiloop nonlinear feedback system (MNFS). The reason the TFP methodology is compatible with biological phenomena is because the MNFS structure is the same structure as the entire neurophysiological system. The neurophysiological system underlies and drives core consciousness.
Here is a short introduction to the three steps of the SD-based TFP methodology. The methodology is illustrated by showing how it is used for analyzing core consciousness during purgation:
My analysis of core consciousness during purgation began in 1984 and has continued steadily right up to the present time. The key breakthrough was Step III, above. It occurred sometime between late 2007 and early 2008. The list of nine items below gives the sequence of scientific tasks I have been performing since 1984, together with the collection of observations and insights that I became aware of during that analytical period. Basically, I used Steps I, II, and III of the SD-based, TFP methodology to analyze the core consciousness data in my LTM. Please note that all the core consciousness data for purgation, residing in my LTM, is associated with or driven by the dynamic noumena. That core consciousness data was dynamic. It varied - moment by moment - during my ten hour experience of purgation.
In summary, here is how this SD-based TFP methodology was used to solve CHP for the case of core consciousness during purgation: I first focused on my core consciousness data, associated with my deep ten hour religious experience of purgation. It resided in my LTM. I then use Steps I and II of the TFP methodology to analyze that data. (For details of this formalized analysis and construction of the purgation feedback system, see Section I and Section II of Chapter 6. The results of this scientific task are summarized in item 1 of the nine item list below. Then, by focusing on Step III, I obtained the results summarized in items 2 thru 9 of the list below. In those items my SD-based, TFP analysis of core consciousness during my experience of purgation identifies the probable dynamic physical objects or transcendental objects or noumena that are the origins or driving forces of my core consciousness during purgation. This comprehensive analysis of purgation illustrates how the SD-based, TFP methodology was able to solve CHP for my deep inner experience of purgation.
The TFP model, shown in Figure 2, is composed of a set of 38 dynamic variables, most of which are "dynamic phenomenological variables. These dynamic phenomenological variables are based on the experiencer's inner perception. Inner perception is the immediate awareness of the experiencer's own psychological phenomena: of his joys or desires, his sadness or rage, etc. To this awareness, restricted to the immediate present, Brentano ascribed infallible self-evidence." (Spiegelberg 1994)
Please note: For the deep experience of purgation, all awareness or phenomenological or core consciousness data is always available from the experiencer's long term memory (LTM). Also, please note the "most basic" or most important psychological phenomenon is an intentional phenomenon. There are two examples of such "most basic" or most important psychological phenomenon in the lower sector of the purgation model: KnotsInHeart and HeartOpenness. The experiencer is constantly aware of those two "most basic" or most important phenomenon throughout the experience of purgation. Nevertheless, KnotsInHeart and HeartOpenness do not exist, because they are not material objects. Heart muscles do not have knots in them and they don't open. That is why in the field of phenomenology KnotsInHeart and HeartOpenness are described as having intentional inexistence.
There are 27 dynamic phenomenological variables (or dynamic core consciousness variables) associated with the phenomenological mind. These variables are located in the lower sector of the model. They are named, using what Husserl called the 'natural attitude.' For example, KnotsInHeart is not a thing. It is a phenomenon. It has no reality as such, because there are no knots in the heart. However, in actuality it is now known that during purgation there are cramped or paralyzed muscles in the heart. Thus, naming the phenomena variables in the 'natural attitude' means the name it feels like to the experiencer (myself) as he recalls the details of the dynamic psychological phenomena going on during his 10 hour experience of purgation. Whereas, the naming of dynamic material objects that underlie the dynamic phenomena operating in the experiencer's mind is the naming of the dynamic noumena operating during purgation. Thus, simulating the 27 phenomena variables of purgation and naming them in the 'natural attitude' is a way for the analyst (myself) to present a moment by moment narrative to the reader who, informally, wants to know what was going on during my experience of purgation.
The model's representation for my dynamic phenomena going on in my phenomenological mind during purgation is shown as a feedback system in the lower sector of the model. There are 27 phenomenological variables in that lower sector. The intentionality of the phenomena during purgation is about a somatosensory mental image. The mental image does not exist. It is only a psychological phenomena in the experiencer's mind. However, that mental image phenomena is about the heart opening against a resistance in the form of knots in the heart. Using the insights of Meinong (1904), Husserl's Transcendental Phenomenology has labeled such intentionality, 'intentional inexistence,' because KnotsInHeart is not a material object. Further, hearts are not opened and they don't have knots.
However, eventually, in Step III of the TFP analysis, the TFP analysis finds that the material objects that actually exist in the experiencer's neurophysiological system are about 12 sets or pairs of antagonistic heart muscles. When those 12 sets or pairs of antagonistic heart muscles are released during the time when a trauma is released, those heart muscles become dynamic and drive the dynamics of all the phenomena in the phenomenological mind. Therefore, even though the mental image does not exist, it can be modeled and simulated because there is a one to one relationship between the dynamics of the heart muscles and the dynamics of the mental image and other dynamic phenomena associated with the phenomenological mind. In short, the dynamic heart muscles are the dynamic noumena that drive the dynamic psychological phenomena that are experienced in the form of the dynamic mental image. The noumena are the 12 sets or pairs of antagonistic heart muscles. They are driving the phenomena. The mind uses its imagination to convert the dynamics of the heart muscles to the dynamics of the mental image. That is why it is called a somatosensory mental image.
There is a saying that a picture is worth 1000 words. For a person experiencing the fast moving, incredibly stressful, and fearful dark night of the soul or purgation, a mental image is worth 1000 neurophysiological facts. Hence, during the crisis of purgation the mind uses a somatosensory mental image. An image makes it easier and quicker for the mind to comprehend and to act or respond quickly to the essentials of what is sensed within. Phenomenological variables of the model associated directly with the somatosensory mental images include HeartOpenness, KnotsInHeart, FearDeathDueToKnot, and the set of feedback loops associated with them. ForgivenessResponse, PsychicStress, and OpeningPressure are also associated with this mental image. A simulation of these conscious variables allows us to get a good description - in the 'natural attitude' - of the phenomena (or core consciousness) and how it is driven, moment by moment, during the stressful and fearful experience of purgation.
As for the computational mind (or the cognitive mechanism) in the upper sector, the 11 variables representing the nonconscious cognitive mechanism are located in the upper part of the model, above a semicircle that goes just above KnotOriginInsight, AttentionalFocus, and PsychicEnergyFactor. I conceived or invented this cognitive mechanism sector and use it, because it is able to include PrayerTrueness into the lower sector of the model. Eventually, this cognitive mechanism sector will be replaced by a model developed by a combination of scientists in the field of cognitive science and system dynamicists. At present we must use my invented model. It incorporates the concept of redundancy from engineering; Miller's (1956) concepts from information theory concerning channel capacity and recoding; Miller's 'magical number seven' used in cognitive science; and the retrieval accuracy of short term memory concept developed by Schouten and Bekker (1967), Wickelgren (1979), and Luce (1986). The concept of redundancy comes into play during mystical union when the primary information processor shuts down and the background information processor takes over in its place. How the model of consciousness operates when time stops during mystical union will be discussed more fully in items 4 and 5 in Section II.B of Chapter 6.
Preliminary mathematical definitions of each of these variables are given in the 38 variable (11 in the upper sector, 27 in the lower sector) mathematical model, shown in Sector C, below. The constants in the equations and the table functions have been tuned to give an accurate simulation of the 10-hour Dark Night or purgative stage right up to the moment just preceding mystical union. Of the 38 variables, 23 are aspects of the phenomenological system (or core consciousness system). All 23 are located in the lower sector. The simulations of these 23 aspects of the dynamic phenomena are all operating simultaneous. For example, simultaneously, the experiencer (myself) was conscious of the dynamics or change of the following aspects of the dynamic phenomena during purgation: The rise in OpeningPressure and HeartOpenness, the removal of a knot (KnotsInHeart), the rise and fall of the intensity of FearDeathDueToKnots and PsychicStress, the rising and falling intensity of PrayerIntensity of my prayer, the rise and fall of the intensity of AttentionalFocus of my mind, etc.
KnotsInHeart, HeartOpenness, and the three memories in the cognitive mechanism are called state variables by mathematicians. In system dynamics terminology they are called stocks or levels or accumulations. Each stock or state variable has the characteristic of accumulation, analogous to a bathtub accumulating water. Using this bathtub analogy, 'How open is the heart at this moment?' is analogous to 'How full of water is the bathtub, now?' ForgivenessResponse, HeartUnfoldmentRate, PrimaryInformationProcessingRate, BackgroundInformationProcessingRate, and InnerSensingRate are examples of rates. They act like either the bathtub's inlet faucets or outlet drains. Whether the faucet is an inlet faucet or outlet drain is indicated by the large arrowhead. (Eliminate the darkened arrowhead and use the open arrowhead to indicate the direction of flow of the thing or entity that is passing through the 'faucet'.) The much smaller arrowheads indicate the direction of causation. For example, the arrows coming from PrayerTrueness and PrayerIntensity and pointing at PrayerQuality indicate that the first two variables determine the value of PrayerQuality at any time. Specifically, the mathematical model gives the following definition of PrayerQuality:
PrayerQuality = 0.5*(PrayerTrueness + PrayerIntensity) ............equation 1
When PrayerQuality reaches 100%, which is the 'forgiveness threshold', the ForgivenessResponse is triggered and one KnotInHeart is removed in a ratchet-like fashion. (The knot is removed, rather than added, because the undarkened arrowhead points away from the KnotsInHeart stock.) Action then shifts to a negative feedback loop associated with HeartOpenness and PsychicStress: The removal of this one knot begins to unseal the restricted and rigid or tight heart, causing PsychicStress to decrease rapidly, which then causes the HeartUnfoldmentRate 'faucet' to open. This causes HeartOpenness to open further, causing PsychicStress to rise again as the heart begins to encounter the next knot. As a result FearDeathDueToKnot, and then PrayerIntensity, and WillfulAttention, begin to rise again. The rise in fear and attention leads to a shift in loop dominance: Action shifts to the cognitive mechanism, which is essentially a negative feedback loop concerned with solving the problem of the origin of the knot. The fear and attention driven PrimaryInformationProcessingRate in the cognitive mechanism speeds up, leading to an increase in KnotOriginInsight. This increasing insight is concerned with the solution to the following problem: What is the particular sin, guilt, or hatred that is at the origin of this next knot? The gradual solution to this problem and my gradual acceptance of this solution leads to greater PrayerTrueness and then greater PrayerQuality until the latter reaches the 'forgiveness threshold,' triggering the ForgivenessResponse again. Then, the next knot cycle begins.
Use a dt of .005 minutes.
Now, here is a simple definition of the various kinds of phenomena shown in the phenomenological mind modeled in the lower sector of Figure 2: "Phenomena are objects or aspects known by the experiencer only through his or her senses:" I found this simple definition in Webster's dictionary. However, in the case of a subjective experience like purgation, the somatosensory system is, perhaps, the only sensing system involved, although feeling was involved, also. Certainly, the sense of smell, seeing, and hearing were not involved. Examples of noemata or variables that are 'objects' in Figure 2 are KnotsInHeart and HeartOpenness. However, these 'objects' or noemata were not real objects. They were perceived by the experiencer in what Husserl called the 'natural attitude' or the 'life-world'. Examples of noemata or variables that are aspects are SealmentOfSoul, MaximumBearableUnboundedness, Ratio, PsychicStress, FearDeathDueToKnots, PrayerIntensity, ForgivenessResponse, etc. The model shown in Figure 2 must be studied by the reader to allow him or her to grasp Husserl's concept of the 'natural attitude' or the Lebenswelt or what I am calling the language of the common man. In order to do this he uses the following terminology: his names for his phenomenological variables.
(In Key #5, above, I presented how I was able to identify the noumena. The noumena can only be known through the thought or reasoning methodology given in Step III of the Transcendental Feedback Phenomenology (TFP) methodology. The application of Step III to the purgation experience illustrates how the analyst identifies the noumena that are driving the phenomena during purgation. This very important part of the TFP analysis is clarified in Key #5.)
Here are those two most important feedback loops:
Notice that those two feedback loops use soft variables. Soft variables are used throughout the lower sector. Some of these soft variables in the model have dimensional requirements: All three prayer variables, PrayerTrueness and PrayerIntensity and PrayerQuality, must have the same dimension (prayer magnitude units) and both UnboundednessOfSoul variables must have the same dimension (unboundedness of soul units). The latter requirement causes Ratio to be dimensionless.
Some of the rest of the variables associated with the phenomenological mind sector are what I am calling transitive variables. The equations established for the transitive variables were determined by iteratively comparing the sets of simulated values of the various transitive variables with the data in my long term memory (LTM) (see the iterative technique presented in The GTR Project of the Introduction).
I had been traveling in Europe and India during the previous two years and thought of myself as a big-time adventurer, but in reality I had been floundering since 1957 when a tragic event had occurred to someone very dear to me. Though I was a 28-year-old engineer with a specialization in great demand and had been a student of one of the founders of that specialization, emotionally I had become, in those three short years, like a teenage runaway. In this structurally weakened state I had become entangled with, and addicted to a wanton, dominant, experienced, mediterranean woman of 35. Back in college in the midwest I had been an hermetic, crew cut, student-athlete and had never come across a woman like her. Though she was street-smart there was a sensitivity and vulnerablity to her that I was only dimly aware of at the time. In addition to being addicted to her I had also become psychologically addicted to cigarette smoking. I was developing other degenerative character traits as well which, though minor at the time, held within them the seeds of destruction.
My desk was crowded into a small room with those of four other engineers. I was chain-smoking three packs per day of strong, unfiltered cigarettes, filling the room with smoke and, at times, a prolonged, fitful cough. I was trying to make an intense effort to concentrate in order to raise the level of my status but was hindered by dissipating habits that I could see were destroying me. My colleagues were young, bright, and versatile engineers. They wondered why management let this strange, ill-mannered, and arrogant person in the door. I felt out of place, put upon, and rejected. A promising career and vital health had sunk to this level. Perhaps I could have settled for mediocrity - slavery in one form or another - but to my mind I was in a battle for my life. (2)
